People ask me what it is like to live overseas and return to the US from time to time. So I thought I would write about that in the form of “You might be me if…”

• You might be me if … when you get an airplane ticket, your first thought is to register your trip with the US embassy.
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  Nokia phone with back off showing places for two SIM chips

  You might be me if … if you know that all mobile phone networks in Africa are GSM. So you also know that you have a GSM phone, and which mobile phone networks in the US are GSM so that you can put your Africa phone on their network when you’re back in the US.

• … You know about phones that can be on two mobile networks at the same time.
• … friends asking you out to eat ask what kind of food you would like. You tell them. But there’s not that kind of restaurant in town, or in the next town, or in the town after that for that matter. In fact, you have trouble finding one in your state.
• … when you arrive back to the US after being gone a while, you sit in the car for a while waiting for the attendant the first time you stop for gas.
• … when you arrive back in the US, you discover that you have some foreign currency in your wallet, so you call your bank and ask if they exchange foreign currency. Yes, they do. But when you arrive, the teller looks at the bills funny. You explain that you called. “Oh, we thought you meant Canadian”, the teller says.
• … you don’t feel at all intimidated by the customs and immigration at international arrivals. In fact, it’s all rather boring.
• … your first days back in the US, you sleep in too late because there is no rooster or guinea fowl to wake you.
• … back in the US after some time away, you drive straight to the DMV without a problem. You’re feeling pretty good until you realize that it isn’t there anymore. In one instant, you go from feeling at home to feeling like a clueless outsider.
• … everywhere feels like home and feels foreign all at the same time. You feel like you belong and don’t belong all at the same time.
• … you’re careful to take change at the checkout counter at Wal-Mart with your right hand even when your left is closer causing the clerk to look at you funny. (The left hand is considered unclean in many parts of the world.)
• … your wife says that you have something “at home”, and you’re not sure which place she means.
• … shortly after returning to the US, you call your wife using her overseas phone number and wonder why she isn’t picking up. You only figure it out after three attempts.
• … you always pack electric plug adapters when you travel and you can tell you by looking at a plug which countries it is for.
• … you look at the notice on the bottom of electrical devices to see if they accept both 110 and 220 volts and both 50 and 60 hertz. You won’t buy them unless they do.
• … your American friends say things you don’t understand like “Where’s the beef.” and “going postal”.
• … you use your passport for ID in the US. People look at it funny.
• … your favorite news App on your phone is BBC and it’s not the BBC USA App. You can’t buy your favorite newspaper in the US.
• … a public restroom sign that says “Do not stand on the toilets” seems perfectly normal to you. In fact, you make a note to suggest it to the guest house manger.
• … just after arriving in the US, you open your wallet to pay cash at a store and find that you only have foreign currency – two different foreign currencies actually.
• … you know how to change the SIM chip in your GSM phone, and you have a stash of SIM chips for various countries in your carry-on so that you can put in the right one just before landing.
• … you have some contacts in your phone that have several different phone numbers, each for a different country – because some of your friends swap SIM chips too.
• … people ask you what you think of the presidential election campaign and you wonder which one.
• … after coming back to the US, it takes a while for you to remember that you don’t have to carry a lot of cash or plan where to buy gas on a trip.
• … after arriving back in the US or back in Africa, you have to ask how many numbers to dial for a local phone call.
• … you check prices at Wal-Mart by comparing to what the item would cost in Ghana.
• … after arriving in another country you start talking to someone and they look at you really funny. Then you realize that you’re speaking the wrong language.
• … when people say “football” you have to think for a second to figure out which kind they are talking about.
• … you see something you want in a store and you stock up because you think that it might not be available next time.
• … you find yourself puzzled for a second why your computer has marked “organise” as a misspelling. When it dawns on you, you set the document to UK English to fix it. You are fully conversant with the language feature of your software and Apps.
• … you know which website will let you download fonts and a keyboard for the languages Wolof, Lingala or Cherokee.
• … when in the US, you stand frozen in indecision in front of so many kinds of shampoo.
• … when you’re invited to a BBQ, you assume that they’ll be serving goat.
• … it takes you a while to decide how much to spend on a wedding gift because you have to remember what’s appropriate for the country you’re in at the moment.
• … back in the US, you make the mistake of telling the waitress that you want tea when what I really want is hot tea, so you end up with iced tea. But you know that when you’re in Chad, you have to order “Lipton” because “tea” there is something different yet.
• … you hesitate when people ask you where you’re from
• … posts from your friends on Facebook are in 5 different languages, only two of which Google will translate.
• … you go to see the doctor in the US only to find out that everything has become hugely expensive and complicated. You find yourself thinking that medical care in Africa has some advantages.
• … just after arriving in the US, you go to a store in the US and buy one thing. You’re surprised by the cost at checkout and say there’s an error, then you remember about sales tax.
• … your wife thinks that her hospital stay in the US was like a stay at a 4 star resort.
• … in the US, you say the name of a place overseas and no one understands. You’re perplexed. Then you remember to say it the American way.
• … you have a bookmark in your browser for a site with reliable foreign exchange rates. It includes all currencies, not just the big ones. You know the names of the currencies for countries your friends have never heard of.
• … you order the spiciest thing on the menu at a restaurant in the US. The nice waitress asks you four times if you’re sure. Then she keeps watching you and shaking her head while you eat it. On the other hand, when an Ivorian friend tells you that the dish in front of you on the table is spicy, it scares the socks off you. And sure enough, it’s five alarm, atomic fireball surprise. You nibble at it while your nose runs madly down your sweaty face, convinced that the Scoville heat index has just been exceeded.
• … for you, pepper means hot pepper. You can distinguish several kinds of hot peppers and know which are the hottest, which have the flavor you prefer and how to cook them to vary the hotness.
• … when you’re in the US, you’re always dressed warmer than everyone else. “Aren’t you hot in that long-sleeved shirt?”, they ask.
• … when you first arrive in a country, you develop a quick way to mentally calculate what something costs in dollars, or perhaps in the currency of the last country you were in as that might be easier.
• … you know how to use the time zone feature in your calendar App, and you won’t have calendar App without that feature. You also know the advantages and disadvantages of the different ways calendar apps and scheduling Apps implement time zones.
• … you now have a whole different definition of “traffic jam”. If Dante were alive today, he would write an epic poem about one you had the misfortune to encounter. You feel that your previous understanding was but a pale shadow.
• … one of your children comes home from college for Christmas. To do that, he has to use his passport and travel for more than 24 hours. Or maybe he left home to come and visit you. You just don’t know any more.
• … you convert miles to kilometers to understand how far it really is
• … you can hardly believe that anyone likes pineapple from a can
• … you’re concerned that your friends and family will consider it a scam if you ever need to send them an e-mail saying you’re stranded abroad and need money. This is because you have actually been stranded in a foreign country without money.
• … when you’re in the US it is hard to buy gifts because there’s no Art Market nearby with great local crafts.
• … half the documents on your computer are formatted for A4 size paper. But you know how to configure your printer so that it will automatically scale letter or A4-sized documents and so print them without complaining.
• … you always wonder if it’s safe to drink the tap water
• … your first night back in the US, you wake up at 4 AM because of jet lag, and wonder briefly if the electricity is out because there’s no call to prayer.
• … you know all about DVD regions and how to defeat them. You only buy region-free DVD players.
• … when you put someone’s phone number in your phone, you always put the country code – because you might have to call them from another country someday.
• … When a friend asks you via text message or Facebook where you are, you send back “225”, because it’s a lot quicker to type the phone country code than to type Côte d’Ivoire. When some of your friends are traveling, they put things on Facebook like, “Off to 245.” You know that all the country phone codes in the 200s are in Africa or Greenland.
• … you’re never sure who the word “foreigners” refers to. Sometimes you are one and sometimes not. When a Canadian friend in Ghana says “foreigners”, you wonder who on earth they are talking about! You prefer the word expatriate.
• … you have received quite a few live animals as gifts and you always wonder if you’ll have to butcher them yourself. You hope that you won’t get confused about the purpose of such gifts on the day someone in the US gives you a pet.
• … you expect to pass through Ebola screening at the airport.